Obsessed with these “love notes” at BloomaBlog by Julie Kesti. Aren’t they sweet?
One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.
It has been a bumpy road thus far. Being back at the clinic, trying to connect with a new group of fellow students (who all had bonded months before I arrived) and then getting back into the flow of the clinic and birth has been a challenge.
I have had a mixed bag of experiences with labor and birth since my return. First quarter, from what I recall, was all lovely smooth births and only one transfer for stalled-out labor / maternal request.
Since being back I have had an onslaught of complications and transfers to Hospital, with a few smooth labors and births mixed in. Here is a recap:
Phew! A very long list of not the most lovely experiences. Luckily at the end of all this, I have had two gorgeous births since, no tears, no issues, very peaceful and very pleased clients and babies at discharge.
I was starting to feel like I was the cause of all these complications, though realistically I know I can’t CAUSE people to PROM or babies to present in certain manners, or have non-reassuring fetal heart rates…but that is how I felt. My fellow students were having a bunch of lovely births to report on and I had a slew of transfers. It made me feel crummy and has been a big test to my self-esteem. As the “new girl” in the group, I feel I am judged more on my outcomes than the others, though this is likely just a perception. I definitely burnt a lot of sage through all this, trying to cleanse any negative energy I may have been contributing.
Of course, all of these experiences are overseen by the Licensed Midwives (LM) on shift with us, so no course of action is ever undertaken without their assessment of the situation and final decision. But the students here LOVE to make assertions about the decisions made and what constitutes a necessary vs unnecessary transfer. For some here, I feel like transferring to the hospital is equivalent to making a pact with the devil, something to be avoided at all costs! But recognizing what falls within our scope of practice and what does not is an important part of being a safe practitioner.
Last shift, I had the chance to talk over one of the more recent transfers with the Supervising Midwife in that case, someone with decades of experience whose opinion really matters to me. She reassured me that the transfer was definitely necessary and that I was not just overreacting to the situation or creating a problem where one did not exist. She went on to say that she was relieved the situation occurred with me as the student midwife because she felt she could trust me to deal with a difficult scenario. That made me feel better.
I have been trying to put everything into perspective and am realizing that THIS is my time to LEARN, so having a bunch of perfect scenarios, while nice, is not exactly a learning experience for real life. Having complications arise and being able to recognize and react to them IS teaching me valuable lessons for later when I am practicing on my own. I need to know how to react in these more complex situations in order to provide good, safe care in the future.
SO while the experience has been less than rosy at times, it has been valuable. I hope to continue learning and improving, and to remain humble and appreciative of the lessons no matter what form they may take.
Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.
The new moon energy is upon me. Testing, begging, to release the past and embrace what is to come. It is a time to be introspective and I am feeling that deeply as of late. Finding my shadow side, exploring it, accepting the darkness while still recognizing the abundance of LIGHT required to cast such deep shadows. Finding those aspects of myself that no longer serve me and flushing them out. It has been a time of creativity, playing with watercolors, drawings, collages etc. Lots of MUSIC. Lots of sage burning. Some tarot cards. Pulling cards that are so clear: all about growth, personal strength, undoing self-doubt, letting the LIGHT shine BRIGHT .
Growth is hard work. Learning to face my weaknesses, to see OPPORTUNITIES rather than defeat – ooph, it can be exhausting! But I think worth it ultimately. I have faith that I can do it, out here in strange lands, floating on my own…I can do it.
Artwork By Aitch
Such a luscious representation of the womb. Trying to inspire myself after a long night and not enough sleep. Sometimes the best self-care is finding the beauty in what we see daily…
Follow the link above for more of her beautiful work